Not Quite a Total Commitment.

I think I am starting to get used to this ongoing saga.  I find it much easier to talk about and even imagine certain outcomes without feeling complete panic.  I have more answers to many of the unknown and am not waiting for phone calls every day.   I had a "round table secret vote" the other night with some girlfriends.  Everyone wrote a #1 or #2 on a paper (meaning uni or bilateral).  The results were split 50/50!!  I laughed because that is exactly how I feel about the question.  Friday morning I called my surgeons office and said I had decided to just do the left side.  Then the nurse said good and she just really wanted me to make a decision.  Then she went on to tell me I was last surgery of day and if I changed my mind there would still be time.  So I really didn't have to totally commit yet.  Well I see plastic surgeon on the 11th and I think that visit will honestly be the deciding factor.  We are going to Dana Point for the week and I am going to try to relax.  Nice to get out of this heat too.
Thanks for thoughts, prayers and love! ♥

Just make up your mind…decide already!

I have been told by way to many people I have to make a decision very soon.  I have to focus on what to do next, focusing is not always the easiest task for me!  I need to spend my energy on moving forward toward finding the answer.  I do spend a lot of time on the issue, but for some reason nothing is totally clear to me.  I have read and reread so many articles and still I waver. It amazes me how some women know exactly what they are going to do from the start.  I wish I could just use a lifeline to get the right answer. The decision now seems to be whether I part with one or both. I think if I felt sick it might be easier, but who knows?  I seem to be able to justify either at any given time.  I wish someone would just tell me wtf to do.  Well, that isn't going to happen and I have also been informed of that.  Someone told me that it is because of problems we grow mentally and spiritually.  I am thinking great, so I should be having revelation anytime now!! I have been given a deadline to make a plan by Friday.  I do work best under pressure so something will have to be decided by then.  I know I keep saying this, but I am so blessed to have so many family members and friends supporting me on my journey!  I am so thankful to everyone!  ♥♥

Karma or Coincidence??

Wow, I realized that the date I was given for surgery was my mothers birthday!  Aug 16th.  I had to look it up to be sure and it was her birthday.  Just thought it is pretty strange, but am going to think of it as good karma!

My mother with my sister and me :)

Getting Closer I guess...

The genetic test came back negative.  Good for me and my family :).  The decision on what to do still seems to hover in my head.  I woke up yesterday thinking I will have a one sided mastectomy... then I read and get freaked out and revert to lumpectomy.  People tell me I will know what to do and feel good about my decision.  Well I am waiting for the revelation to come anytime!  I got a call from plastic surgeons office while at Target yesterday.  They informed me I have a surgery date of August 16th and a pre-op with them on the 11th.  I said OK great, thinking I don't even know what for!  I guess I am on the books now and having the pressure of a deadline may be just what I need.  So, I continue to read and wonder what to do.  I find myself extremely distracted (more than usual!) and don't seem to be too productive.  Hopefully this gets better once a plan is made.  Vance is at camp for a week and I will try really hard to focus on reality!  Also, I think I will sew my own  robe/pancho thing and just wear it to every appointment for quick and easy access also that way I won't have to keep changing clothes!! Thanks for all the continuous support!♥

Fergie always makes me smile!

Still in Limbo

A visit to the plastic surgeon yesterday to discuss possible rebuild.  The Dr made it seem much easier than I imagine, but then again that is his job!  Bruce went with me and made his own requests that were not cancer related!  Second appointment was with radiologist oncologist to discuss possible radiation treatments.  I was there for 3 hours and became very informed.  The Dr discussed different options, but not real definitive about anything.  He is going to present my case to breast surgery board that meets every two weeks.  There are about 30 surgeons that discuss issues.  I would love to be there but he said he will call me after.  My genetic testing is still not in, probably at least another week.  The lab worker was lame and screwed up insurance authorization...such incompetence!  So, I am off to see breast surgeon today to talk about all the things I have learned this week.  Not sure when a plan will be decided, feels like I'm always waiting for some answer about something.  I guess that's all the thrills for now.  I want to say again how grateful I am to have such great support from family and friends. ♥

Multicentric

So the newest biopsy results are in.  One came back positive and one negative.  I now am considered multicentic, meaning I have more than one cancer spot (same side).  This definitely puts a new spin on things.  I now will go see radiologist/oncologist and plastic surgeon next week.  After I get all the info from them I will meet back with surgeon and make some sort of plan.  The more I read, it seems like so many women with breast cancer just want their breasts both off.  I haven't come to that mind set, although I probably need to.  I got really brave and looked at some photos, not such a good idea. 
So much information in such a short period of time is becoming overwhelming.  The more I read, the more freaked out I get.  All I can say is this is just so weird. 
Everyone has been so incredibly supportive. I am so thankful for all the love and encouragement. ♥

Blurry

It has been more than three weeks since I received the news and this breast issue hasn't gone away.   I still don't think I  truly believe it all yet and everything still seems so blurry. It seems like every time I get a phone call or go for more tests I get a dose of reality.  In the past I usually preferred female doctors and still felt awkward when having breast exams.  Well, so far I have had at least seventeen strangers look at do things to my breasts!  It doesn't even phase me anymore, in fact I don't think I even need to wear a hospital gown from now on! Had the genetic test done on Monday, results in 7-10 days. I feel like it is highly unlikely, but one more piece of information in the decision puzzle.  I kept my clothes on and just gargled and spit into a little specimen container.  Tuesday I had bilateral biopsies (one on each side, I am learning the lingo for these things!).  Didn't really hurt, took long time though and it was freezing in that room.  Results hopefully by Friday.  I am scared to hear and hoping for something positive!
Once again the waiting continues.
I try to walk around like nothings going on, but then I get reminded by myself the truth and I don't like it.  I am so amazed by the support I am getting from my family and friends.  Thank you all so much it really helps to know you are there (even if I don't always answer my phone or respond to text messages!). ♥

Here I  am at basketball tournament acting like nothings wrong!!!!

Reality Sucks

This is becoming more real every day.  I realized yesterday that saying I am 49 out loud is easy now compared to saying the word cancer out loud!  I still find myself avoiding the "C" word.  But I guess I have to get used to it.  I needed a lot more tissue yesterday.  I had follow up ultrasound. One spot on same side looks like the "C" word.  Right side questionable.  So back for biopsy next Tuesday.  The news hit me really hard, even though I already new I had it.  I guess the best scenario has changed, I didn't want to hear that. I didn't want to be part of that pink ribbon club. Ahhhhh, don't always get what we want!
I did have the nicest radiologist yesterday, very caring and informative.  Not sure he new what to say when he said the one looked bad and I started to cry on the table.  He called me "kiddo" and for some strange reason that made me feel good.  Then I had to go change out of the x-ray kimono and walk by all the ladies waiting in their kimonos.  They looked at me stone faced, not sure if they felt sorry for me or if they were worried they were next!!  So, we are off to basketball tournament in San Diego.  I will try to keep myself from continually thinking about my breasts!!  I haven't told any of these people yet, so small talk will be the extent of our conversations. That is probably a good thing for a couple days.  Thanks for all the love. ♥

As the Doctor hands me the box of tissue....

My story began as an annual exam, then a mammogram, then an ultrasound, then a biopsy, then a diagnosis (or sucker punch) of "invasive lobular carcinoma". 
The positive side to the story, early diagnosis 9mm.
A visit to the surgeon, MRI.  Results came back OK, but need a second look bilateral ultrasound. 
This means more tests and waiting.......
I thought I would start this blog to let anyone who wants to, keep up on all my news!
Since I found out, although I keep waiting for someone to tell me it's wrong, I have only told a few people.  I have a hard time believing this is real, and even harder time talking about it.  I have been so amazed by the support  of the few people I have shared my news with.  Thank You!!!
I read a lot on the internet and discussion boards, but still have a hard time thinking I am part of the "club".  I really don't want people to look at me different, I don't want to look into their eyes and see sadness or pity for me.  I have truly been blessed with my family and friends and will get through this.  This is just the beginning, not sure what lies ahead, but I will keep anyone interested informed and maybe even sometimes entertained!