Wednesday, August 31, 2011

From What I've read.......

I met with Plastic surgeon yesterday.  Everything healing well, but no fill because of my Thursday surgery.  We will wait until next week....something to look forward to, I guess!!
It seems like a final diagnosis is getting closer.   We met with the medical oncologist today.  Appointment was at 4:00, got home at 7:00!  Dr. Wendt was a real "numbers" guy (which Bruce really likes!) and quite a wealth of information.  And yes, I had to undress once again!  Chemotherapy seems to really follow a lot of statistics and percentages, which I still don't feel like I fit into. We will not know exactly which regimen to follow (but there will definitely be one) until we get pathology report from tomorrow's node surgery.  Praying for no more positive nodes because that could easily put me into more aggressive treatment.  So, I wait patiently once again.  When we left, the doctor walked us out past the "treatment" room. It looked just like the ones in moves with the brown recliner-like chairs all in a row.  I saw a cabinet across the room with a  styrofoam head with a wig on it!  Kinda creepy, at least for now.  Dr. Wendt asked it I wanted to look around the room, I told him nope!  I felt good about him and his approach and will be talking to him again too soon.
Surgery at 9:30 tomorrow morning.  I will get the rest of lymph nodes out on left side and a port put in for chemo.  The port makes this whole cancer thing feel just way too real!  From what I've read the lymph surgery can be more painful than breast surgery, I will find out soon enough how true that is!  I always wonder if  the surgery staff  talks about me when I'm out, I  hope not, and especially not my newly designed boobs! 
"From what I've read"  seems to be my phrase of choice lately.  I am not sure if the doctors appreciate it but I just can't help myself.  My reading focus is now on the chemo drugs and I should be well informed very soon!
My emotions still feel like quite a roller coaster.  Feeling positive and lucky sometimes, then tearful and screwed other times.  I know that time will pass and I will look back at all this and be stronger and yes even wiser from this.  
Thanks to all of my supporters for everything, especially the love!!!! ♥

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Cancer is a word, Not A Sentence.

Cancer is a word, Not a sentence.
I read this quote today and thought it was very appropriate.  I think it says it perfectly, and I will remind myself this often.
I received the "phone call" last night.  Pathology report in............definitely not what I was expecting or wanted to hear. The conversation started with the infamous "well, we have good news and some bad news..."  First, the two nodes taken both contain cancer cells (shit!).  There were multiple cancer cells in all quadrants of left breast, not just the two suspected.  Good thing we were aggressive to start with!  Right side looked clean,  I now have more intense treatment to look forward to.  I will have another surgery to remove more of my nodes and hope for rest to be clear.  I have an appointment in the morning with Dr Zannis to go over pathology report and I will hopefully know more then.  I will get a copy of report and I am sure dissect and obsess over it.  The new results put me in a more definite place now.  Chemo will not be "optional" now but protocol.  The question now is not uni or bilateral but scarf or wig? I am not sure if radiation is involved but I will get some idea tomorrow.  I will also be meeting with medical oncologist soon. 
I had post-op appointment with plastic surgeon today.  He pulled the two tubes out, Left side burned but I am glad to be done with extra things attached to my body.  Then, ahhhhh the unveiling of the new ones.  I was so nervous.  I honestly hadn't looked under the bandage all week, which is odd because I have opened and re wrapped Christmas presents as long as I can remember!  I could barely look, I felt like something from horror movie!  Dr thought they looked perfect, he was very pleased with results.  So, back next week to have first fill (add some saline to port in expander).  After I was home, I managed to look at them in mirror.  I think they will look fine when he is done with them.  Hopefully good enough to even go to nudest event!! (jk)
I was feeling pretty good about progress of treatment, then I was feel knocked down again with the new  information.  So, more testing and waiting and a plan should be decided sometime soon.  I am having easier time talking about things now, which is good considering it is not going away as soon as I would have liked.
Thanks again for such great help and support.  I honestly am still so amazed by the support I feel from so many people in my life.  The thoughtfulness has been so incredible I can only say thank you and I love you all! ♥

Friday, August 19, 2011

Thanks for the Tree!!

I have had so many thoughtful and wonderful things sent and delivered to me. Flowers, food, cards and good wishes. Well, I even got a tree! Yes it is six feet tall and alive! The card says " Hope you have a speedy recovery, from all of us!" I am not sure who sent it but thank you very much and I will try not to kill it! All else is going as well as I can expect. I am very sore, but able to get around using lower half! Sleeping on my back is really hard but I guess I am getting used to it. I still have ace bandages on covering entire chest, I haven't got brave enough to look under. The drains are not even close to as bad as people had me believing. A little gross to drain but other than that not a huge problem. Hopefully they will come out on Tuesday. It is hard to stay sedated in bed, but Bruce keeps telling me not to do anything, so I try to cooperate. I am feeling so relieved after the initial surgery and am anxiously waiting the pathology results. I have to say thank you to everyone again, I couldn't have had such a peaceful recovery without all the support and prayers!  ♥♥♥

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Relievd this Part is Over!

A quick little update while I am a bit lucid.It has been one long ass day.  Up at 5:00 a.m. with plenty of time to spare.  I took dogs for long walk and then came home and went swimming topless for last time with the oldies!  Very nice.  It was really hard to get myself ready, so after as much procrastination as Bruce would allow, I packed and got ready.  Left house crying but knew that would occur many more times today. Actually I held myself together most of the day. Lots of signatures and waiting.....
Prepped for surgery at 1:30, finally got a "medical margarita"  so I could relax a bit.  Then I woke up being wheeled down hallway. I have no idea where I am, but I have nice single suite room. Pain was not as bad as I anticipated as long as I don't move!  I am all wrapped up in really tight ace bandage.  Won't come off until next week and I am glad.  I feel good about decision and honestly feel it was the right one for me.
I think I will be headed home tomorrow, see how things go tonight.  Should get pathology report Monday and decide future treatment with that info.
"aitäh veery palju" (Estonian for thank you very much!)
♥ Sara ♥

Monday, August 15, 2011

August 16th, What a Day.

I find it so hard to believe tomorrow is the day.  The news still feels so fresh in so many ways.  I have been able to come to terms with a lot of the information, although I don't like it.  I feel extremely confident in my medical team.  I can't express how great I feel with the support I have from my friends and family.  It is such a scary time and every phone call, text, email and prayer help me feel stronger.  
Today was weird, life goes on, people doing their "normal" stuff and I just kept looking at their boobs!  Then someone asks "how are you?" They really have no idea how I could respond to that! Yes,  I controlled myself and said "fine".  Met with Dr Zannis today for pre-op.  He was very nice, and as reassuring as he could be.  The rest of the day...well not much accomplished.  I still have not packed one thing and don't know what I will wear. Vance came home and asked about what was going to happen tomorrow.  I pretty much told him the facts.  He asked about what each doctor does and I explained.  He thinks they have such a cool job.  Of course I said "oh you could be a surgeon, you are so smart and caring like them."  He said "well I just want to look at boobs everyday!"  Great.
Well,  Bruce just got  home from his men's league game, they lost by 20, he is limping and  has gash under his eye. Great.  Thank goodness for superglue! 
So, after I perform first aid and have some champagne, I will try to get some sleep tonight.  I am allowed to get up before 7:00 and have some coffee.  Then nothing else.  Expected at hospital at 10:00.  Surgery at 1:00, then who knows.  Bruce thinks he will blog for me after surgery, that will be fun too.
Well,  I am honestly feeling alright about things right now.  I will get through this and  become stronger because of it.  Now, Happy Birthday to my Mom who after so many years I still miss and love so much but know she will be with me tomorrow!
Once again, THANK YOU ALL so much.  I am so blessed and thankful to have such fabulous people in my life.  ♥♥♥

Saturday, August 13, 2011

Sofa King Scared!!

Not much to say today, I am extremely anxious and scared.  Getting closer, which is good and bad at the same time.  It is funny how we don't always appreciate things until they are gone (or almost gone!).  I think I  am sad to say goodbye!!!
For all you that know my sofa king humor and those that don't you can watch and enjoy this video!!
Thanks for love, prayers (we know I need all I can get!), and thoughtfulness! ♥♥♥

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Clock is Ticking....

I am feeling an incredible amount of anxiety.  Less than five days.  I  saw the plastic surgeon today.  Asked a lot of questions and I feel like I got very honest answers, not just politically correct responses. I told him how I was feeling about decision to do uni or bilateral.  I told him about our happy hour secret vote. He thought that was a very original way to discuss it.  I then told him about some friends we have that are nudist and how they told me some mastectomies they have seen at nudist events look so great when they are finished.  He said now he has a lot more pressure!!  I left office feeling pretty good about process and leaning more toward bilateral (at this moment anyway).  I came home and tried to read about actual surgery and recovery.  Increased anxiety.......  The drains seem to be a really big issue and creepy too.  Some women like to have a fanny pack to wear to keep drain bags in, I don't think so but it would be good for a few laughs!  After surgery and pathology report the actual treatment fro the cancer will be figured out.  Hopefully no surprises and things can stay on planned tract.  It is a funny disease because not only do I worry about the "cancer" part but also the future of body parts.  Some women look at scars as "battle wounds" and are fine with them.  Not me, I am not sure what to think at this point.  It has meant so much to me to have so many calls, texts and emails from such sweet and thoughtful  friends and family! (and special things in the mail!), we don't always realize what support we have out there until we really need it. 
Thank You All So Very Much!!!  ♥♥

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Now less than two weeks! Ahhhhh......

Dana Point was beautiful.  We had a great place and great weather.  Cell phone service was terrible and I know I missed lots of messages :(.  Funny how the surgeon's office was still able to get through to me.  Now the plastic surgeon needs to know what I am doing!  The more times I am asked the more I seem to question what the "right" thing to do is.  I told her I will talk to Dr. on the 11th and figure out details. She really wanted to know then, but I she finally agreed to wait. There are no new results pertaining to me, so I continue to read too many message  and discussion boards looking for some bright light to shine!  Less than two weeks and still seems too creepy to me!  I am amazed every day by the continue support and love from so many people!  Thanks Again!!♥